In Memory of Ethel Benton- 02.16.2007

I love you, Grandma Benton. You will be missed, but never forgotten.

You were so strong. So meek. So humble. So quick to let someone else have the spotlight. So quiet, yet so warm.

You loved to laugh, and I loved to laugh with you.

Been through so much, but barely complained. Ever.

You praised God when everyone thought something was wrong with you. You praised God and then people really thought something was wrong with you.

Through the cancer and the pain, you continued to give thanks, and to glorify Him always. You will forever be my example, forever be my friend.

God has called you home so you may praise with Him. How amazing, how merciful, how magnificent is the God we serve.

In Memory of Julius Allen Benton- 03.07.2007

Grandpa,

You held on through so much pain and so many surgeries. Now you have gone home to be with our Creator.

Selfishly I wished you hadn't left so close to when Grandma left, but I know it was in perfect timing- God's timing.

I think back to all of our memories. All the things I did just to be like you. Those sardines. I was determined to like them because you ate them.

Solitare- not only was I going to play it, but I would show you that I was the best Solitare player on the East Coast. Seriously. :)

Then there was that time in 7th grade when I really thought you told me you were Jewish. I was convinced I was too! I laugh thinking of the day I tried to convince Lisa Pearl that because of you I was Jewish- just like her. (the look on her face was priceless)

You were my grandpa, and I was your "grandbaby." Hearing you say that made me feel like a million bucks.

It hurt my heart to not hear your voice in the last years. I felt so awkward when we were together. I know you felt it. When you were sick, I didn't quite know how to show you how much I loved you, without being emotional. As you layed there, I could no longer mimic you. I could just sit there. with you. and care.



I love you. more today. than yesterday.

My Father in heaven gives me comfort, and I realize truly how much a blessing you were/are to all of us.



Forever your grandbaby,


ME :)

From my Myspace blog... 7-4-2007

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson


I watched Akeelah and the Bee today for the first time... If you haven't seen this already, I highly recommend you rent it.

This above quote is the theme throughout the movie, and reaches down into the core of me. For all who have known me, this is the lucky decoder pen. Morse code is broken. This is how I have felt. I always felt like shining my light would dim someone else's. I felt like I needed to support everyone else, first and foremost. My opinions couldn't possibly take precedence over someone else's. I have hated compliments, and have shrunk when they were/are given. How dare I be excellent and someone else not be. But it's just that. Everything's NOT all or nothing. I can be a beautiful person, and that doesn't take anything away from anyone else's beauty, intelligence, and talents. Not believing I could do so has been detrimental to my confidence and self-worth.

I can have confidence in myself and abilities, and that's ok! God created me to shine my light, to share my beauty, and to be intelligent (among other things). My shrinking does not help you, at least it shouldn't. We need not someone to feel inferior, in order for us to feel good about ourselves.... if so, we have missed the whole point, and are not confident beings, but scavengers waiting for someone to fall so we may profit.

And on the flip side, if shrinking is our way of honoring others what does that say? That we are noble? Or really just lacking the courage (or know-how) necessary to live confidently in our own skin?

Shrinking for others has its benefits: its easier, safer, less conflicts with others, more praise from others (some undeserved)... but is it worth it? To live a life straddeling the fence, and always yielding to the needs of others? It's funny. This seemingly easy path of hiding leads to a long road of self-doubt and self-destruction.

It's time to get off that road. It's time to stop apologizing for our greatness. It's time to live. as us. and really embrace all that we have been given.

What I would say to you, if I could..

(WARNING... THIS IS HIIIIIIIIIGH ON THE SAP-O-METER, but whatever. If you're reading this... NO MAKING FUN!!)
I would tell you that...

1/29/2009
-I notice you, and wonder where you are, when you aren't there... where I am.
-I like the way you say "Right, right" when you know what someone is talking about
-I think it's awesome that you actually have a Baby Grand in your living/family room
-I think you're incredibly FUNNY
-i love that are so proud of your Trilogy
-your smile makes me smile, and your laugh makes me laugh. LITERALLY, not just in some sappified, poetic way
-I love the way you say "scallop" and other words that your accent comes out
-your idea for your kitchen is awesome!
-I love that you think before you speak
-I wonder what your story is

2/23/2009
-Your smile makes me smile even more, and your laugh makes me laugh even more.
-I love your Khakis :)
-I love love that you're super intelligent
-(smiling)

25 random things about me...

1.) I love God more than anything in my life, and He has done more for me than anyone else ever will or can.

2.)I've always wanted a pet monkey or ferret (that tops the list of random) .

3.) I generally see movies that I like at least 2 times in the theatre.

4.) I have 3 incredible nephews who are AMAZING gifts from God.

5.) I heart warm, fresh bread.

6.) I'm a Suicide Prevention and Awareness advocate.

7.) <--- is my favorite number

8.) I love hard and forgive fairly easily.. used to think this was a bad thing, but not anymore.

9.) I'm crazy about Bob from Biggest Loser.

10.) I've lived in 7 cities.

11.) I miss my nose ring.

12.) been through a lot with my family, but learning to really love them for who they are, and to not have unrealistic expectations of them.

13.) I could've been an Olympic figure skater.

14.) I talk to almost EVERYONE...

15.) ...not sure if that's a good thing.

16.) Waffle House is my breakfast haven!

17.) I've always wanted to open up a drive-thru diner like Sonics, but cooler... with oldies blarin, roller-skating waiters/waitresses, and GREAT food.

18.) Dirty Dancing was probably the BEST part of my childhood.

19.) God has delivered me and healed me from so much...I'm speechless

20.) I couldn't imagine a day going by without singing.

21.) I'm really good at facial recognition/age progression

22.) I love Oldies!

23.) I was boy-crazy growing up.
(But Patrick Swaye was my main man!)

24.)Kids Incorporated and MMC were my FAVORITE shows growing up.

25.)I've lost many important people in my life, but God just used that to teach me to rely less upon man, and more upon Him.

A baby shower... and a good hair day!!! :)

Congratulations, Alika and Omari!!!
Today we celebrated the upcoming arrival of Baby Benn. Will it be a boy or a girl!!?!? We'll have to wait and see what God blesses them with!!!

So, it was a BUSY day starting at 6am.... 3 HUGE pans of lasagne, running around, baby shower games- planning, executing; hosting with an awesome group of ladies! Was the best/tiring day EVER.

And to top it off... I had a pretty good hair day today. A curly one too!! (I haven't seen too many of those lately!!)

my Yellow Rose

Today's blog goes out to a friend that I've had for quite some time.
A friend that understands and knows some of the darkest of my times.
A friend whose smile lights up a room, and she doesn't even know it.
A friend who has perservered (obviously i'm not spelling that right...but you get it) through so much, and I'm so blessed to have known her through the years.

A Yellow Rose, for sure. A beautiful person inside and out. A blessing to me from God.

I miss talking to you, and I can't wait to see you again.
love you much, KKS.

Delete. Part Deux.

Lord, I thank You for giving me the strength and the wisdom to push that small little button. It wasn't even that hard. And in a blink of an eye, they were gone. All 500 emails from 5 years. Deleted. Emptied. Gone. Unrecoverable..... WORD.

Now, Lord please give me strength to press that small little button again, and erase more letters of the past. I don't need them, nor do they serve much purpose... but they span from 1998-2007...almost 10 years, Lord. They remind me of what it was like to feel like a Princess. But, No. Lord, I AM a PRINCESS. For You are Lord of Lords, and King of Kings. I am Your daughter, and therefore a true PRINCESS. Lord, I haven't even been missing him or feeling lonely. I was just simply going through my Inbox and deleting unnecessary messages. And then I saw that folder, and I felt it.. the need to rid myself of the past that is no longer. Lord, You know I save EVERYTHING! Seriously. Emails are no exception. But, Lord, I feel that I need to make room for what You have in store for me, and pressing that button is just one huge way to keep me looking forward, and not back.

This will probably be the most painful of the presses, but it is needed. What did T.D. Jakes say? LET IT GO. So, I'm letting go of all the people who have let go of me- whether they wanted to or not. You can't hold on to things that don't want to be held onto. Emails. Letters. "Friends" on networking sites. Let it go. Not in a hateful way, or negative way. Just in a "everything lasts for a season" way. And that season that is over. Gone. Unrecoverable... like those emails.

So, ok. Here I go. Pray that I have the strength to press that small little button again, and look forward....

Delete.

Such a HUGE responsiblity for such a small button...

So. I have deleted them all, the letters which I kept because it was apart of my life, apart of my history...record that I was loved.

But, no need for such letters. I am LOVED, far better than one could ever love me. Far DEEPER than one could ever imagine. Loved PERFECTLY and COMPLETELY by my Saviour, and that remains. When all else fails, when you failed, when I failed, when the relationship failed, His LOVE remained and endureth forever.

Such a HUGE hesitation to press such a small button.

Years of holding onto what was. Thought that it was no big deal to hang on to things to serve as a memory. But it was time to clean out the closet, and sweep you out.

:)

Excuse me... have you seen my stapler??

S * M * I * L * E

Takes maaaaaaaaaaybe 5 seconds... and can last a lifetime.

Think of someone's smile that you can clearly see like it was yesterday...
See how good that feels? Rememeber that moment, let it simmer....

Now, GO AND SHARE YOURS!!!!!

It never fails... or should it even surprise me.

Finally, my brethren be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Stand therefore, having firded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints- and for me, that utterreance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.
Ephesians 6:10-20

WORD!!!!!

So, I just finish writing my last blog, and I get a phone call. Hmmm... can you guess where this is going?

The enemy is so JEALOUS and ANGERED with the spread of the Gospel and love in our hearts, that he waits and waits and times his strike jussssssst right (so he thinks, and often we do too.) he waits to pounce, and often we don't have on the full armour of God when he choses to strike, and out we fall from our little "I've got this" cloud.

BUT in all his evil and wicked schemes, I praise God for that cloud eviction because it just knocks me off my feet and onto my knees- where I belong.

WORD.

Alright Chia Pet- GROW!

HA. sometimes my titles are so random. but I guess that's part of the fun.

So, has anyone actually ever bought a Chia Pet? Did it actually grow? From what I remember about the commercials, the plant looked like alfafa sprouts... I wonder if that's what they were. Weird.

I looked in the mirror today, and I remember thinking to myself "Grow, Aiyana, grow!" It was like what I can imagine happening to people who bought their prized Chia Pet from TV. Staring at it, day after day, waiting for it to sprout like the commercial. GROW, already!

But then I think to myself, are you watering yourself? Are you placing yourself in a location where there is light to grow? Or, are you staring in the mirror day after day, like staring at the fax machine waiting for something to come through?

What are you doing to prepare for growth? Are you feeding yourself the Word? Are you around others that will encourage you and shine their light upon you? Are you breathing in the Word of Life in your daily time with God? Are you, Aiyana?

In all the time I stare in the mirror and wonder and hope and dream and imagine growth, I could be preparing the field, my heart, for the rain. God wants to bless us, and is faithful in His blessings. But are we faithfully tilling our hearts and growing our roots in His Word and promises awaiting the harvest?

OR, are we standing there shouting GROW, ALREADY, GROW because we think we've done all we need to prepare and we want to reap NOW?

Buying the Chia Pet is just the beginning. Inviting Christ into our lives is the beginning (a GLORIOUS beginning). We must now start our roots in His Word, cultivate His promises into our heart, and await the glorious timing of His rain that quenches ALL.

So. the next time you're shouting in your head "GROW ______, GROW!" Remember that God is faithful and will bring the rain, but we must, too, be faithful in our preparation.

Once that rain comes, and those alfalfa sprouty-looking things start poking out, we haven't arrived. We wouldn't just throw the Chia Pet away because we've seen one meezly sprout. The commercial shows the Chia Pet flourishing in all of it's Chia Pet-wonderfulness, and we want to see that too! So we, too, must continue to prepare so that our roots may multiply and branches sprout out of our hearts and through our mouths to reach near and far.

The question isn't are we ready for growth. It's are we ready to grow? Have we prepared for the harvest? Are we realllly ready to be different? AND, equally as important- are we willing to WAIT for the rain?

My favorite Monkey...

So, there's this AMAZING woman that God has placed in my life within the last year, and this blog is a tribute to her.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR SARAH.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

She's super funny. caring. beautiful. giving. intelligent. expressive. talented. creative. assertive. fun-loving. And being around her reminds me of wonderful friendships of the past.

Ah the memories of cursing little kids at laser tag, ladybugs' mistaken identity, terrible movies with wang-doodles, fun-times with hyper dogs, "fun" political debates, catch phrase fun, Baby Mama drama (well, at least in the movie), fun sound-making from that movie (if only we had a yoga ball), etc.

You're the best, and I know God uses you in so many ways. I thank Him for you and your life.

Hope you have an AWESOME day, Monkey!!

Numero Dos.

Whom have I in heaven but thee?
And there is nothing upon earth that I desire besides thee.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion for ever.
Psalm 73:25-26


For this reasonI kneel before the Father,
from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name.
I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you
with power through His Spirit in your inner being,
so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.
And I pray that you being rooted and established in love,
may have power, together with all the saints
to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,
and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,
according to His power that is at work within us,
to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations,
for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:14-21

I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish in order that I may gain Christ.
Philippians 3:7-8